cause I'm a warrior and always will be

Instead of writing the paper, doing the lab report, or studying for the test I have Friday I find myself writing. I haven’t wanted to write. The sensation feels funny because I have been scared to write, to put what I am feeling into words.

Senior weekend. So much stress but it was worth every second to see the girls I care for like sisters smile. I choked back tears as Brian read. I was doing really well until the last two. Heather stepped up and then Ali. I have been blessed to play with an amazing team, an unstoppable, beautiful team. I have played next to my best friends, fought with every fiber of my being and win or lose I have felt fingers grasp the empty spaces between mine and I have experienced tears, laughter, encouragement, and friendship. The last three years have been an incredible ride.

I know I’ll cry. Next year I’ll get back to Hendrix and step on that field with a heavy yet excited heart. Warrior field will always be our turf, where we won the first home game Hendrix field hockey had ever seen, where we lost to DePauw in double overtime on senior day. The memories will always remain. I will always carry my teammates in my heart. Next year will be hard. I know and I look forward to the challenge. For now, though, I want a victory. I want our team to take conference because this is our time and none of us are going to stop fighting. Our team has come so far, we have fought incredibly hard, we can make this happen. If anyone can make this happen, we can.

finding the line

“On the line” is one of the most terrifying phrases an athlete can hear when playing a team sport. One of two things will happen; either you will run, or you will run a lot. Either way you have to make the choice to finish; to push yourself.

There is a hole deep in the pit of my stomach.
Not fill-able.
Not something that feels like it will go away or stop.
I don’t feel wanted.
Sleep escapes me.
Nightmares ensue.
I am tired.
I do not feel whole.
More than anything I want to feel whole again.

I feel like I was sprinting and fell face first. I want to get up, keep running, but I don’t feel ready. I feel broken. I’m working my way back to the line and sometimes I think that is harder than actually running; convincing yourself that you can run.