"Dear Father in Heaven please watch down from above,
please bless Mommy and Daddy..."
And Daddy.
and daddy.
As I hear his snores in the background I find myself somewhere between appalled and utterly enraged.
I called my mom because I was lost. When she answered the phone she told me that dad was ridiculously upset and threatening to stop paying for my education. When I asked why she said "Apparently you've ignored his presence for the last two days".
"Screw him," I replied outraged, "I've done nothing wrong, I don't even care".
"You should care. We do what we have to do".
"Huh. We do what we have to do," I repeated. "I shouldn't have to do anything".
With this my mother gave me a frustrated grunt which meant we've talked about this before. Our conversation was over, I wasn't fighting with her too.
Why should I tiptoe to not set him off? Why should I respect him? Why should I forgive him? Why should he be allowed to treat me this way? Why should I "do what I have to do" in order to keep the peace?
WHY?
What did I do? Am I that horrible? Have I really done something?
It's taken me twenty years to realize: No. This is not my fault. These are not my problems. I don't deserve this. For the longest time I resented myself, blamed myself, beat myself. And now I struggle because how do I forgive that? How do I go on forgiving him when nothing will change? How do I forgive myself?
Where does the hurt end? Do I hurt other people like he hurts me? Would I even realize if I was?
I'm going to hurt, but I'm going to pray and I'll try like I always do to smile instead of cry. And I'm going to forgive and ask forgiveness. For him and me.
Dear Father in Heaven please watch down from above
Please bless Mommy and Daddyand those who I love
May angels guard over my slumber and when
Morning is breaking please awake me.
Amen
