A Sign from Heaven

I made her cry
it broke my heart
She called me her best friend
I smiled
Those three fingers she raises
the words she understands
exudes
composes

Cannot speak but loud she yells
Seeking understanding
Demanding respect, attention

She grabs my hand like it’s her property
and won’t wake up for anyone but me
She tickles with a sly smile
and waves her hand under her chin

Frustrating
Exasperating
She choked me and made me hers
I had no choice
She takes my breath away
Every laugh
Every smile
Every Tear
The world’s

I want to love
Like her
with
Those Three Fingers

Tears and Hiccups

I remember when I had a 103 degree fever; he carried me up two flights of stairs to my room and got the thermometer.

I remember when I pulled his flag in outpost and he got so angry his face turned red because he wasn’t planning on letting me win.

I remember when I was taken off of the soccer field in an ambulance. As I was lying on the ground, my neck held sternly and placed in a brace, he was holding my hand. My trainer was asking “who is that holding your hand? Yeah, it’s Jeff. Is he your boyfriend? Yeah…how long have you been dating? Wow…”. I wanted to fall asleep but I couldn’t lose his image. He was blurry and fogged like a windshield on a cold day, but the light from the sun reflected around his figure. He tried to get in the ambulance. They said no. Instead my mom rode in the front. I only know this because he let go of my hand and I could hear her voice the entire ride to the hospital.

I remember when he walked out and my heart stopped. He slammed the door to his apartment, punched the wall down the stairs, condemned the car door and screeched off.

I remember when he came back ten minutes later and tried to hide the tear by placing his head in my lap and repeating “I’m sorry”.

I remember yesterday, when all I wanted was to hear his voice tell me that everything is going to be alright. I was lying on my couch in tears. I miss my friends so much. I called once. He didn’t answer the phone. I called twenty minutes later. Still no answer. I text him “where are you,” but it really read “I need you. You never miss my calls. You always call or text me back, I’m a mess”. Not a second later my phone rang. His groggy voice was met with my sweet surrender to tears and hiccups. Fifteen minutes later, when my eyes were dry, I apologized. In my mind I could see him raising his eye brow, considering whether or not he was in love with a crazy person. “You’re not a lunatic. You’re going through massive amounts of change right now. Half of your friends are abroad, I’m three hours away, you just started school, and workouts; you’re allowed to be vulnerable right now.” And then it hit me. A random time, I admit, nonetheless it was in my face. He loves me. I woke him up from a sound sleep that he never gets, I’m possessive and moody, I have come to expect him to answer my calls or at least explain why he cannot get to them. I am INSANE and he is telling me that everything’s going to be alright. He is telling me that he wishes he could be here to wipe my tears away and hold me until I fall asleep. He is telling me that it’s okay to be crazy.

He loves me.

Minutes later we’re talking about other things and I am laughing. I am perfectly in love with the man who can take my teardrops and hiccups, even when inconvenient, and turn them into smiles and laughter.

"We laugh and laugh, and nothing can ever be sad, no one can be lost, or dead, or far away: right now we are here, and nothing can mar our perfection, or steal the joy of this perfect moment."
-The Time Traveler’s Wife

A Tell-Tale Serenade

I cannot describe it, this feeling of excitement running through my bones. I don’t know what’s in store, but for the first time it’s a thrill. I’ve never been one to accept defeat, but I’ve always been a person who shies away from things. I enjoy being quiet and watching other people. I adore the simple times when I can talk to my best friend for hours. I love the people around me, passionately. While none of these qualities are absolutely awful, in larger group settings I feel something is missing.

If there were one thing I would change about myself it would be my uncanny ability to fall into the background. I am vastly aware of how quiet I can be and extraordinarily attuned to the moments that are considered opportunities (by some), which I greet with sheer terror and silence.

I was watching The Bachelor, which is not a show from which I would generally take a life lesson. However, as the girls were vigorously preparing to meet their dreamy ken doll I became immensely aware of their choice of words. First, they spoke like they already knew him, which is ridiculous. But then they spoke with confidence. Carefree, I know what I want, confidence. I believe I was bothered by this because confidence is a quality I lack.

I play the silent game because I don’t like listening to myself talk without a purpose. I enjoy talking with my friends because it does not feel forced. Aka group settings: not my forte. I love a good party, but I’m not one to get up and sing at live band karaoke. Nor will you see me partaking in any activity that draws attention to me. I’m quiet and generally I like myself that way. Generally.

Ali and I Skyped last night for four hours, three minutes, and thirty seconds. Together we made a list of things we want to do this semester. Starting with sane, ending with crazy, filled with all things in between, this is what we came up with:

Go to Memphis and party like rock stars.
Make a book.
Drink lots of coconut rum.
Get Smirnoff ice.
Watch The Tenth Kingdom with Lexy and Brandie in one day.
Look hot for Formal.
Finish Coach’s gift.
Play field hockey at least once a week.
Make sure we don’t miss our 8:15 classes (unless we are throwing up or have a fever).
Eat meals in our apartments together at least once a week (and by once we mean twice because there are two of us living in different places).
Photo shoot with our ear flap hats!
Par-tay once every two weeks (cause everyday’s a party, let’s be real).
Limit our sweat wearing (except in apartments).
Work out six days a week. No excuses. Play like a champion.
Lauren sing at Live Band Karaoke.
Beat the Impossible Quiz.
Ali confess her undying love to a squirrel in a tree.
Frolic through the fountain.
Go to the City Museum.
Camping!
Watch Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog.
Glee-a-thon!
Lauren have an intellectual conversation with a lamp post.
Highlight hair with a fantastic color (washable).

To say the least, this semester is going to be interesting. I’m excited to start classes, to be with Ali and my other friends at school. I look forward to spring season and working out six days a week. Overall, I want to learn what it is to be comfortable with myself, not to change necessarily, but to plunge into an unknown.

"Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt."

-Shakespeare, Measure for Measure

I’m learning my role and expanding my horizons.

So Much of You I Find in Me

All the love I have to give

I give to the world through
words.

Pounding through my chest,

out

my heart.

All the want I ever need

I see

in you,

most glorious poem
of the sun and moon.

I breathe you in
my fresh, exhilarating friends

whom I've known,
whom I love

you are my greatest mystery,

my greatest adventures,

my dearest friends.

My poetry you shall ever be.